1. |
SoulSister30
03:26
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VERSE:
I met you on ChristianMingle dot com
In the summer of 2009
We worshipped in the chatroom
That first night reading psalms
Two weeks later, we had cybersex
The best I’ve ever had
You called me your “dirty disciple”
And it made my cheeks turn red
What would Jesus do?
If He were in my shoes
I wish I hadn’t sent you all those pictures
of me completely nude
CHORUS:
SoulSister30
Your online screen name
Really turns me on
SoulSister30
Your profile pic
looks like Sarah Vaughan
SoulSister30
I would’ve taken you
To my senior prom
SoulSister30
Knows the entire
Gospel according to John
VERSE
I tried to ask you on a real date
But you said that you’re gun-shy
Your ex-boyfriend was possessed by demons
The exorcism went awry
You finally agreed to meet up with me
At a coffee shop near downtown
After introducing yourself to me
I nearly fainted, had a nervous breakdown
BRIDGE:
I thought you were thin
I thought you were supermodel thin
Your outdated picture
Is a cardinal—online dating—sin
Can we just be friends?
Can we just be church-going friends?
I’m praying for you now
I hope this new diet plan works out
CHORUS:
SoulSister30
Foaming at the mouth
And speaking in tongues
SoulSister30
Don’t threaten me
With Matthew 7:13
SoulSister30
Levitating and waiting
For the Rapture
SoulSister30
Vanished from the site
Like a fart in the wind
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2. |
In the Kitchen Cabinet
03:42
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VERSE:
I had not been home
To my parent’s home
For six long years
Until the UFO let me go
I knocked on the front door
Of my childhood home
Mom opened up
Said, “You have chores and here’s a broom”
PRE-CHORUS:
The wrinkles on her face
Shined through
Despite the Botox injections
That she used to get
As causally as buying a loaf of bread
I started sweeping the kitchen
Then opened the kitchen cabinet
And noticed that there were no Lucky Charms,
Cap’n Crunch, or Count Chocula
CHORUS:
You know your parents are getting old
Based on the cereal that they store
In the kitchen cabinet
In the kitchen cabinet
VERSE:
I walked into the living room
Dad was seated at his armchair
Staring into outer space
As if I were still there
PRE-CHORUS:
I asked Dad why
There’s a World War III army supply
Of oatmeal, All-Bran, and Cream of Wheat
Stored inside the kitchen cabinet
He told me that the doctor ordered them
To eat more fibery foods
To lower their cholesterol
And reduce the risk of heart disease
CHORUS:
You know your parents are getting old
Based on the cereal that they store
In the kitchen cabinet
In the kitchen cabinet
BRIDGE:
Watching them grow old
Reminds me of my own mortality
If that spaceship were still here
My Martian friends could show us the Holy Grail
The Holy Grail
CHORUS:
You know your parents are getting old
Based on the cereal that they store
In the kitchen cabinet
In the kitchen cabinet
TAG:
In the kitchen cabinet
In the kitchen cabinet
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3. |
||||
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VERSE:
Ann used to eat at Al’s Breakfast
On my Tuesday shift
We talked about Surly beer
And punk music
Light rays shoot out of her
Like needles from a porcupine
In need of sunglasses
When this solar eclipse walks by
PRE-CHORUS:
Her red turtleneck smelled like lilies of the valley
Her eyes match the stone color of Navajo turquoise teardrop silver stud earrings
CHORUS:
You already have a long-term partner
Have you thought about polygamy?
I want to be your long-term partner
We could start a law firm together
Why is it so taboo that I like you?
We are all animals at heart
You like to wear those pea green jeans
I fell in love with your smoker’s teeth
VERSE:
Her boyfriend swung by one day
With that same old clip on tie
He told me to stay away
And that they’re moving to L.A.
PRE-CHORUS:
Ann later secretly came in with a farewell-themed Hallmark card
I made her heart-shaped pancakes and crooned in baritone the Ramone’s “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend”
CHORUS:
You already have a long-term partner
Have you thought about polygamy?
I want to be your long-term partner
We could start a law firm together
Why sail away with your boyfriend?
His sales job is not that impressive
Stay here with me and teach me tai chi
I’m gonna miss your pigeon laughter
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4. |
Neither Here Nor There
02:54
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VERSE
You’re not here
You’re neither here nor there
I want you all the time
I want you everywhere
You and me
We were not meant to be
But you’re always in my heart
You’re in my memory
BRIDGE
Why did I have to pack it all up?
Why couldn’t things just work themselves out?
I never got to kiss you
I never got to hold your hand
VERSE
You’re not here
You’re neither here nor there
I want you all the time
I want you everywhere
Time goes by
And, yet, I still cry
Wishing that I had
Told you goodbye
BRIDGE
Why did I have to pack it all up?
Why couldn’t things just work themselves out?
I never got to kiss you
I never got to hold your hand
VERSE
You’re not here
You’re neither here nor there
I want you all the time
I want you everywhere
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5. |
Love at 50th Sight
03:44
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(Always nice when your seemingly absurd lyrics find an empirical basis:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/30/science/for-couples-time-can-upend-the-laws-of-attraction.html?_r=0)
VERSE
The first time I saw you, I thought you were hideous
The second time I saw you, I thought it was meaningless
The third time I saw you, I thought you were gangrenous
The fourth time I saw you, I thought you were gluttonous
The fifth time I saw you, I thought you were ruinous
PRE-CHORUS
I don’t have all day to sit here and calculate
I’m not a card-carrying member of Mensa
I don’t have all night to sit here and do the math
All I know is that you add another 45
And you have….
CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
VERSE
The sixth time I saw you, I thought you belonged in a psych hospital
The seventh time I saw you, I thought your bad breath was transmittable
The eighth time I saw you, I thought you were no longer an imbecile
The ninth time I saw you, I thought your soul was redeemable
The tenth time I saw you, I thought your life was a reality TV show
PRE-CHORUS
I don’t have all day to sit here and calculate
I didn’t receive a Nobel Prize in mathematics
I don’t have all night to sit here and do the math
All I know is that you add another 40
And you have….
CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
VERSE
The eleventh time I saw you, I thought you were a notch above mediocrity
The twelfth time I saw you, I owed your dentist an apology
The thirteenth time I saw you, I learned your face is not a deformity
The fourteenth time I saw you, I couldn’t believe you had studied cosmetology
The fifteenth time I saw you, my shrink said my crush on you is a pathology
PRE-CHORUS
I don’t have all day to sit here and calculate
I am three weeks behind on my laundry
I don’t have all night to keep on counting
I am flat broke, about to be evicted
So just take me at my word that it was…
CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
BRIDGE
You’ll never be the next Miss America
That’s fine with me
We have role-play and fantasy
You’ll never be the next Playboy centerfold
That’s fine with me
I’m in love with your brain, not your bra size
And thus it was…
CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
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Stephen Wulff Chicago, Illinois
With a background in creative writing and comedy training from The Second City, I am a singer/songwriter from Chicago who
writes concept-driven pop-rock songs with quirky lyrics, blending sincerity and absurdist humor with tongue and cheek irreverence.
INFLUENCES: Magnetic Fields, Jens Lekman, Pavement, Wilco, The Smiths, The Cure, Flaming Lips, Smoking Popes, Big Star, XTC, Motown, 60s rock.
... more
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