Live at Moto​-​i on 5​.​18​.​16

by Stephen Wulff

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03:19
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credits

released May 19, 2016

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about

Stephen Wulff Minneapolis, Minnesota

With a background in creative writing and comedy training from The Second City, I am a singer/songwriter from Minneapolis who writes concept-driven pop-rock songs with quirky lyrics, blending sincerity and absurdist humor with tongue and cheek irreverence.

INFLUENCES: Magnetic Fields, Jens Lekman, Pavement, The Smiths, Smoking Popes, Big Star, XTC, 60's rock.
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Track Name: My Tutor Needs a Tutor to Tutor Me
VERSE
My parents one day told me
That I need to get my grades up

The school principal told them
That I’m close to flunking out

My mom hired a tutor
That she met at church

His first name was Stan
He was an ignorant man

CHORUS
My tutor needs a tutor to tutor me
In history and geometry

My tutor needs a tutor to tutor me
In theatre and ancient Greek
In orchestra and psychology

VERSE
One day mom found Stan
Reading Shakespeare upside down

Mom grew quite concerned
Quizzed Stan on his basic math

Stan tried to count to 5
But could only count to 3

His face became beat red
Like lobsters at Red Lobster

CHORUS
My tutor needs a tutor to tutor me
In civics and geology

My tutor needs a tutor to tutor me
In sex ed and geography
In painting and biology

VERSE
Mom went back to the church
To ask the pastor for advice

The pastor simply advised her
Not to fire Stan

Cuz he has 22 children
And three ex-wives to support

So mom found a tutor for Stan
So that he could keep his job

CHORUS
My tutor needs a tutor to tutor me
In physics and ecology

My tutor needs a tutor to tutor me
In auto shop and botany
In ceramics and chemistry
Track Name: Karen from Canada
Verse:
We met at a PETA rally
In fall 2005
You said your name was Sally
And that you never lie

We leafleted KFC drive-thrus
In my red Sedan
I told you all about the ACLU
And Uncle Sam

Chorus:
Karen from Canada…
Where are you now?
Karen from Canada…
Are you in Moscow?

Verse:
We used to fight on your unbirthdays
Over such petty things:
You never liked watching hockey
Or my new nose ring

You only liked going clubbing
With your Evangelical friends
And practicing your viola
On my Mercedes-Benz.

Chorus:
Karen from Canada…
You never said goodbye
Karen from Canada…
Are you some kind of spy?

Outro:
I miss, I miss
Your famous dish of poutine
Your mom says
You stole her sleeping bag and canteen

I wish, I wish
We could watch Kids in the Hall
I just, I just
Want to travel with you to Montreal
And Niagara Falls
Track Name: Saving Up Sex for Old Age
In a May 2015 interview with Time magazine, billionaire investor Warren Buffett offered his best investment advice, which included the following existential wisdom:

“There comes a time when you ought to start doing what you want. Take a job that you love. You will jump out of bed in the morning. I think you are out of your mind if you keep taking jobs that you don’t like because you think it will look good on your resume. Isn’t that a little like saving up sex for your old age?”

I thought the last line was funny, so I wrote this song:

"Saving Up Sex for Old Age"

VERSE:
I first started saving up when I hit puberty
In high school and college, I was a celibate monk
By my 40’s, my savings account was overflowing
In my 60’s, I wrote a book on sexual austerity

Quick Transition Part (2x): Bm|C#m|F#m|E|Esus|

CHORUS (2x):
I’ve been saving up sex for old age
Whipping out my sex toys
After evening bingo

I’ve been saving up sex for old age
Fornicating with brittle babes
While watching “I Love Lucy” re-runs

VERSE:
My friends were spendthrifts: they spent it like Monopoly money
My family and relatives never saved up for a rainy day

Quick Transition Part (2x): Bm|C#m|F#m|E|Esus|

CHORUS (2x):
I’ve been saving up sex for old age
Eating butterscotch candy
After phone sex with your granny

I’ve been saving up sex for old age
On dialysis in hospice
But still receiving French kisses

BRIDGE:
I have Alzheimer’s
I forgot I have kids
But I do remember
The missionary position

I am going blind
But I don’t really mind:
I have glow-in-the-dark condoms
To use on my concubine

BRIDGE TAG (2 & 4th time=hit higher note):
My diabetic legs were amputated
But that didn’t stop me from getting laid

Although I need a new hearing aid
I hear I’m good in bed and should get paid

CHORUS:
I’ve been saving up sex for old age
Having as much hot, kinky sex
On my death bed

I’ve been saving up sex for old age
Humping around the morgue
And on the coroner’s table (end on chord A)
Next to all the cadavers (end on chord E)
In the crematory and graveyard (end on chord A)
I think it’s finally time to depart (end on chord E)
Track Name: Chunky Thighs
VERSE:
If I wanted a toothpick
I’d just go to a grocery store

I don’t need a supermodel
Who eats ice cubes for her main course

I don’t care if you break that scale
My favorite sea mammal is the whale

Go ahead and eat cheese cake
I don’t care if you dislike kale

CHORUS:
I like chunky thighs
My eyes don’t tell lies
I am mesmerized
By chunky thighs

VERSE:
If you wanted a face lift
I’d just tell you to get a grip

If you wanted a nose job
I’d just tell you to keep job searching

I don’t need the next Botex queen
Or a tanning salon freak

If I wanted a health nut
I’d just pick almonds off my backyard tree

CHORUS
I like chunky thighs
My eyes don’t tell lies
I am mesmerized
By chunky thighs

BRIDGE
Feel free to throw away the number for Jenny Craig
No “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”: that Twinkie diet is here to stay!
No need for “Buns of Steel”: paper shred that spin class deal
No time for liposuction: your body’s my favorite stage production

VERSE: Guitar Solo (play verse twice)
CHORUS
I like chunky thighs
My eyes don’t tell lies
I am mesmerized
By chunky thighs
By chunky thighs (change chords)
By chunky thighs
By chunky thighs (change chords)
By chunky thighs (slow it down and end it)
Track Name: Your Clark Gable Cheeks
VERSE (A|F#m|E|G|A)
I tried to kill the crush that I’ve had on you for the past six months
But it wouldn’t die, no matter how hard I tried

That day at Day Block, what a way to spend my 21st birthday
Your essence is always wrapped up like a present

I think I’m finally out of tears to shed
From listening in my bed to “You and Your Sister” while thinking of you

CHORUS (A|Bm|D|A|A|Bm|D|C#m|Bm)
No one makes my smile beam so bright
I now worship sun gods
Cuz you’re shining light

You always fight for my human rights:
A party animal who chugs
Miller High Life

You have the most killer legs
Wiping out entire nations
With one gaze

Your Clark Gable cheeks are worth more
Than the entire GNP
Of Singapore

VERSE (A|F#m|E|G|A)
I try to handle your heart with more care than UPS
Handles my online-ordered glassware from William Sonoma

Your heart is more rare than spotting a pair of anorexic twins
Partaking in the Coney Island hotdog eating contest

You’ll be the coolest bro when you take that job on the Maui shore
Just watch out for those crazy surfer boys

CHORUS (A|Bm|D|A|A|Bm|D|C#m|Bm)
Let’s go to Republic, eat poutine
Teach me how to drink whiskey
Like Bruce Springsteen

“Someday Some Morning Sometime”
Let’s listen to Wilco
And KFAI

I love it when you hug me so tight
My roommates say it’s okay
If you spend the night

I want to cuddle, watch “City Lights”
Pet your crew cut hair
Have a pillow fight

OUTRO (A|Bm|C#m|D (3x)
This is your serenade
If you do not like it
You can toss a hand grenade

This is your serenade
Let’s get together someday
Drink Tang or lemonade

This is your serenade
Let’s ride bikes, go swimming
And sit somewhere in the shade

(A|Bm|E)
This is your serenade
Track Name: Love at 50th Sight
VERSE
The first time I saw you, I thought you were hideous
The second time I saw you, I thought it was meaningless
The third time I saw you, I thought you were gangrenous
The fourth time I saw you, I thought you were gluttonous
The fifth time I saw you, I thought you were ruinous

PRE-CHORUS
I don’t have all day to sit here and calculate
I’m not a card-carrying member of Mensa

I don’t have all night to sit here and do the math
All I know is that you add another 45
And you have….

CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th si—i---i—ight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight

VERSE
The sixth time I saw you, I thought you belonged in a psych hospital
The seventh time I saw you, I thought your bad breath was transmittable
The eighth time I saw you, I thought you were no longer an imbecile
The ninth time I saw you, I thought your soul was redeemable
The tenth time I saw you, I thought your life was a reality TV show

PRE-CHORUS
I don’t have all day to sit here and calculate
I am three weeks behind on my laundry

I don’t have all night to keep on counting
I am flat broke, about to be evicted
So just take me at my word that it was…

CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th si—i---i—ight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight

BRIDGE
You’ll never be the next Miss America
That’s fine with me
We have role-play and fantasy

You’ll never be the next Playboy centerfold
That’s fine with me
I’m in love with your brain, not your bra size
And thus it was…

CHORUS
Love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th si—i---i—ight
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
It was love at 50th si—i---i—ght
It was love at 50th, 50th sight
It was love at 50th sight
Track Name: SoulSister30
Verse (chords are C/Dm/Am/Bb/F)
I met you on ChristianMingle dot com
In the summer of 2009
We worshipped in the chatroom
That first night reading psalms

(Play the C chord an extra measure between verses to create space between the fast-forwarding to a future time)

Two weeks later, we had cybersex
The best I’ve ever had
You called me your “dirty disciple”
And it made my cheeks turn red

(Play the C chord an extra measure between verses to create space)

What would Jesus do?
If He were in my shoes
I wish I hadn’t sent you all those pictures
of me completely nude

Chorus (Dm/Am/F/G/G7)
SoulSister30
Your online screen name
Really turns me on

SoulSister30
Your profile pic
looks like Sarah Vaughan

SoulSister30
I would’ve taken you
To my senior prom

SoulSister30
Knows the entire
Gospel according to John

Version (chords are C/Dm/Am/Bb/F)
I tried to ask you on a real date
But you said that you’re gun-shy
Your ex-boyfriend was possessed by demons
The exorcism went awry

(Play the C chord an extra measure between verses to create space between the fast-forwarding to a future time)

You finally agreed to meet up with me
At a coffee shop near downtown
After introducing yourself to me
I nearly fainted, had a nervous breakdown

Bridge (Dm/G)
I thought you were thin
I thought you were supermodel thin
Your outdated picture
Is a cardinal—online dating—sin

Can we just be friends?
Can we just be church-going friends?
I’m praying for you now
I hope this new diet plan works out

Chorus (Dm/Am/F/G)
SoulSister30
Foaming at the mouth
And speaking in tongues

SoulSister30
Don’t threaten me
With Matthew 7:13

SoulSister30
Levitating and waiting
For the Rapture

SoulSister30
Vanished from the site
Like a fart in the wind
Track Name: I Was Crazy About You and You Just Thought I Was Crazy
CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy

VERSE
You never ever know what to expect from me
You treat me like I starred in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

I’m trying to take you off the pedestal I placed you on
But I can’t find a ladder that reaches up that high

CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy

VERSE
If flowers grew out of my shiny balding head
You could never say that I don’t bring you flowers anymore

I pulled all those sweet, kind thoughts from deep inside
The walk-in closet of my heart, soul, and mind

CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy

BRIDGE
I Google searched the question “How do I know if I’m in love?”
The computer spit back ten signs confirming that I truly was

Sorry for unloading that dumpster truck of raw feelings
Our friendship ended faster than my Aunt’s divorce proceedings

You treat me like an ex-boyfriend and we never even kissed
The closest I came to spending the night is when you asked me to housesit

CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy