DEMOS

by Stephen Wulff

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released March 15, 2016

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Stephen Wulff Minneapolis, Minnesota

With a background in creative writing and comedy training from The Second City, I am a singer/songwriter from Minneapolis who writes concept-driven pop-rock songs with quirky lyrics, blending sincerity and absurdist humor with tongue and cheek irreverence.

INFLUENCES: Magnetic Fields, Jens Lekman, Pavement, The Smiths, Smoking Popes, Big Star, XTC, 60's rock.
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Track Name: Come See My Band!
VERSE:
I don’t care, I don’t care
If you’ve already seen my band before

I don’t care, I don’t care
If you’ve been to every single show

I don’t care, I don’t care
If Heaven’s knock, knock, knocking on your door

I don’t care, I don’t care
If you gotta wake for work at 4am

CHORUS:
Come see my band!
We’re playing tonight

Come see my band!
We’re playing tonight

VERSE:
I don’t care, I don’t care
If you can’t find a babysitter

I’ll watch your kids for free
As I do the splits on stage

I don’t care, I don’t care
If you have a test for school the next day

These songs are the only subjects
Life’s gonna test you on

CHORUS:
Come see my band!
We’re playing tonight

Instrumental Transition Part

CHORUS:
Come see my band!
We’re playing tonight

Come see my band!
We’re playing tonight
Track Name: I Used to be a (Neo)liberal
Verse:
I thought I’d never see the light
I thought I’d be stuck in the dark
All night

A life of denials and licorice lies,
Primordial fictions that I thought
Sounded wise

Chorus:
I used to be an economic liberal
I named my goldfish Adam Smith
Gave the “Invisible Hand” a high five

I used to love to fetishize fictitious commodities:
Land, labor, and money
Until I read Polanyi

I used to be an economic liberal
Was hitchhiking on “The Road to Serfdom”
When von Hayek picked me up

Verse:
I thought I’d never see the light
I thought I’d be stuck in the dark
All night

A life of denials and licorice lies,
Creative destruction that I thought
Sounded wise

Chorus:
I used to be a neoliberal
The CIA even made me
An honorary “Chicago Boy”

I used to have a poster of
Milton Friedman on my wall
And memorized all of Reagan’s B-rate movie lines

I used to be a neoliberal
I was the one who invented
Spikes on public benches

Bridge:
Accumulation by dispossession
Is how I lost
All my Peace Corps friends

Disciplining bodies on the factory floor
Used to be a hobby
But now it’s just a chore
That no longer brings me joy

Chorus (modulate):
I used to be a free market thinker
Until I started thinking for myself
And challenging doxa

I no longer pay
Membership dues to the AEI
And to the Heritage Foundation

Voltaire was wrong: common sense is common
That’s why I’m now a Gramscian
So come see me in prison!
Track Name: Gaydar Malfunction
VERSE: Instrumental (2x)

VERSE:
When I was 12 years old, society gave me
A Gaydar to detect who is queer and LGBT

It was made out of myths and stereotypes
Of what a gay person supposedly looks and acts like

Until I was 30, I had a perfect batting average
Was ready for induction into the Gaydar hall of fame

But then one day all of that changed
When I met this guy named Clyde at the State Fair

CHORUS:
I thought this cute guy Clyde was gay
But it turns out he is straight
I had a “Gaydar malfunction”
It’s affecting my heart rate

VERSE:
The way Clyde ate cheese curds made me want to mount him
With the same urgency as Paul Revere rode “Brown Beauty”

My favorite “fag hag” Julie introduced me to Clyde
On the five dollar, Haunted House Dark Ride

Julie said Clyde was single and ready to mingle
And that he just broke up with his long-term “partner”

I then whispered to Julie that my Gaydar
Was ringing like the timer on my “Stove Top” Stuffing

CHORUS:
I thought this cute guy Clyde was gay
But it turns out he is straight
I had a “Gaydar malfunction”
I guess he’s not my soul mate

BRIDGE:
I asked Clyde, “So are you a ‘top’ or ‘bottom’?”
He said he doesn’t travel to the city of Sodom
So I asked Julie, “Where can I find a new Gaydar
That’s more reliable than my brother Joe’s used car?”

CHORUS:
I thought this cute guy Clyde was gay
But it turns out he is straight
I had a “Gaydar malfunction”
So I’m not crossing home plate
Track Name: Functional Lover
(E| B| A| E)
I like you, and you like me.

(E| B| A| B)
I just wanna hold you close
And tell you sick, perverted jokes.

(E| B| A| E)
Cuz, I like you, and you tolerate me.

(E| B| A| B)
I just wanna wear cheap cologne
Breakdance until the break of dawn

(E| B| A| E)
Cuz, I like you, as you criticize me.

(E| A)
Even if we someday break up
Because your mom wears too much make up

(E| B)
I just want you to know, right now, that…

(E| B| A| E)
I like you, as you lie to me.

(E| B| A| B)
I just want to eat Lean Cuisine
And drive around in limousines

(E| B| A| E)
Cuz, I like you, but you always use me.

(E| A)
Even if we someday break up
Because I almost blew the lake up

(E| B)
I just want you to know, right now, that…

(E| B| A| E)
I like you, and you loathe me.
Track Name: Vegetarian Lush
VERSE
(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You act so goddamn superior
Because I’m a carnivore

(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You say flatulence from the cows
Is like a mushroom cloud in war

(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You’re a pescetarian who masquerades
As a herbivore

(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You think you’re so much healthier
Because you never tried wild boar.

CHORUS
(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
She’s a vegetarian lush.

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Engulfing margaritas for breakfast
Eating broccoli salads for lunch.

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Booze cruisin’ faster than she can digest

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Flunking Breathalyzer tests
In the morning, while still getting dressed

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Oppressing co-workers with her wretched breath

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Passing out on the clothing rack
Her “Baby Gap” boss thinks she’s a hot mess

VERSE
(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You lecture me on the dos and don’ts
of a sound diet

VERSE (continued)
(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
Preaching to me about omega threes
Like a sacrilegious zealot

(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You memorized the food pyramid
and the food chain chart

(E| A| G# minor| F# minor)
You got a tattoo of asparagus
And an artichoke heart

BRIDGE
(A| A minor| E| G#)
(A| A minor| E| G#| A| B| A| A minor| E| G#)
It’s always “Happy Hour”
When double-fisting Pabst Blue Ribbon beers in broad daylight

(A| A minor| E| G#| A| B| A| A minor| E)
It’s always the saddest hour
When getting DUIs while riding on her red Schwinn bike

CHORUS
(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
She’s a vegetarian lush

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Guzzling whiskey sours for breakfast
Eating eggplant pizza for lunch

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Buying a bomb shelter’s worth of rum

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
In a credit card crunch
Pawning Prince vinyl is just not enough

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Hung over while appearing in Drug Court

(E| B minor| F# minor| A)
Dark bluish circles under her eyes
Sentenced to rehab for help and support

(E| B minor| A)
She’s a vegetarian lush.
Track Name: I Was Crazy About You and You Just Thought I Was Crazy
CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy

VERSE
You never ever know what to expect from me
You treat me like I starred in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

I’m trying to take you off the pedestal I placed you on
But I can’t find a ladder that reaches up that high

CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy

VERSE
If flowers grew out of my shiny balding head
You could never say that I don’t bring you flowers anymore

I pulled all those sweet, kind thoughts from deep inside
The walk-in closet of my heart, soul, and mind

CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy

BRIDGE
I Google searched the question “How do I know if I’m in love?”
The computer spit back ten signs confirming that I truly was

Sorry for unloading that dumpster truck of raw feelings
Our friendship ended faster than my Aunt’s divorce proceedings

You treat me like an ex-boyfriend and we never even kissed
The closest I came to spending the night is when you asked me to housesit

CHORUS
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy
I was crazy about you and you just thought I was crazy